SPAM
LAND!
Well, here it is.. finally, I have a
page of Spam I can call my own... (even though I flogged a stack of it
from other places... but we wont mention that... OOPS!) I am hoping that
this page will explain, to some degree, my fascination with Spam... Mmmmmmm....
Spam......
I'll get the ball rolling with a Spamload of links that will whisk you
away to wonderful lands of Spam all over the world... Following that will
be my collection of Spammy stuff.. Enjoy!
Spam Links Elsewhere
Spam Links Here
What makes Spam so great?
It's rather simple, really. I've always found Spam funny, primarily due
to the connection with Monty Python. Also, I
actually like Spam quite a lot, and I make a great 3,000 calorie 4 egg
/ Spam / Mozerella / Tomato omelette that's to die for. So, saying "Spam"
alot represents my love for humour, Monty Python and cheap, high-calorie
food.
Monty Python's Spam sketch
Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned
helmets on. A man and his wife enter.
Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.
Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.
Man (to Waitress): Morning!
Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam;
egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage
and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam
bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked
beans spam spam spam...
Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a
Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with
truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!)
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon
spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it.
I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam
spam and spam!
Vikings (singing): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and
the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings (singing elaborately): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful
spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam!
Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam
spam spam!
Alternative Ode to SPAM(tm)
By Kelly Jenson, Peggie Entrop, Rachel Sampson, Lynn Hammond
Oh, Spam
With the clear
Jelly floating
on the top
you need no
can opener
four varieties
including SPAM LITE
Spam
Maps spelled backwards
green eggs
and spam
who can?
Spam can.
Who can resist?
drool drool
spam spam
Mr Spamman
Bring me a dread
Make it the saltiest
you've ever seen.
Lynn belches
from Spam
Spam,
wonderful
spam
Art thou real
Oh, spam
Spamio,
oh spamio,
wherefore art thou
spamio
Spam is the east
Spam is the sun
Oh, that
I were spam
that I could
touch that
spam
Dang it!
Chuck!
Did we ask you?
butting your spam
into our spam
dreams
dream of spam
Jingle Spam
oh what fun
It is to play
in spam
all day
Robin laid
some spam
squish it round
squish it round
I like spam
You like spam
let's all play
In spam
Double mocha
spam latte
Spam milkshake
Double bacon
spam burger
with cheese
Dangit Jim,
I'm a doctor,
not spam.
These are
the days
of our Spam
Dangit CHUCK!
Ode to SPAM(tm)
author unknown
Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.
What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.
On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.
More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.
Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM(tm) when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.
Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze.
That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.
SPAM haiku
author unknown
haiku (hi'koo) An unrhymed Japanese lyric poem having a fixed 3-line
17-syllable form.
spam (spam) (undefined in Websters: possibly undefinable)
Cold, Pink, gelatinous mass,
The potted meat for which I crave,
Warns of impending earthquake.
Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous mass.
Pass another slice.
Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?
Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat.
Give me a spork please.
Old man seeks doctor.
"I eat SPAM daily", he says.
Angioplasty.
Delighted!
I am flattered
And overwhelmed to Pink.
Watch the pink slab fry
Its grease can lubricate eggs
Get ketchup ready
Spam on Wonder bread
He's allergic to sulfites
Hives come after lunch
Pressed, the cold slice soothes
Eye, a black-and-blue shiner
Spam, what useful stuff
Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food".
A small pink coffin.
Parts of pigs o' plenty.
Sumptuous feet and tails,
Rub amber gel through hair.
You don't want to know,
What they put in that tin can
It's scary to think.
Drop a pig in a blender,
Add salt and dye:
The recipe for Spam.
Have you ever lost anything
It's in that one little can,
Of Spam.
In the same manner as we,
lick envelopes to seal them,
cows lick Spam.
Did you ever wonder,
Where rats go when they die?
Spam knows where they go.
ASCII Spam
==========================================
| ,dP""8a "888888b, d8b "888b ,888" |
| 88b " 888 d88 dPY8b 88Y8b,8888 |
| `"Y8888a 888ad8P'dPaaY8b 88 Y88P888 |
| a, Y88 888 dP Y8b 88 YP 888 |
| `"8ad8P'a888a a88a;*a888aa88a a888a |
| ;*;;;;*;;;*;;;*,, |
| _,---'':::';*;;;*;;;*;;*d;, |
| .-' ::::::::::';*;;*;dII; |
| .' ,<<<,. :::::::::::::::ffffff`. |
| / ,<<<<<<<<,::::::::::::::::fffffI,\ |
| .,<<<<<<<<<<I;:::::::::::::::ffffKIP", |
| |<<<<<<<<<<dP;,?>;,::::::::::fffKKIP | |
| ``<<<<<<<dP;;;;;\>>>>>;,::::fffKKIPf ' |
| \ `mYMMV?;;;;;;;\>>>>>>>>>,YIIPP"` / |
| `. "":;;;;;;;;;i>>>>>>>>>>>>>, ,' |
| `-._``":;;;sP'`"?>>>>>=========. |
| `---..._______...| Hormel | |
| `=========' |
==========================================
A Taste of the Islands
Boston Globe (7/12/92) columnist Derrick Z. Jackson, typed in by Andrew
Rogers
In italics above the headline: Is it food? No, it's Spam and it's the
culinary version of Kryptonite.
A Taste of the Islands
With all the serious events around us, I almost forgot to tell you about
my Amazing Adventures With Spam. You know Spam. Faster than a squealing
pig. More sodium than bovine salt lick. Able to leap out of cans on a
single bound. Look up on the rack. Is it food? Is it dog food? No, it's
Spam!
I encountered this culinary version of Kryptonite in a most unexpected
manner. I was on spring vacation in Hawaii. We went to Hamamura Saimin
Stand on Kauai. Saimin is a noodles-in-broth dish. A tour book said of
Hamamrua:
"Locals have sung the praises of this beloved Kauai institution and
gobbled up its saimin for as long as anybody can remember...you're in
for a great taste treat as well as one of the cheapest mesls on Kauai."
The Saimin was good. Lots of vegetables were mixed in. Then it dawned on
me. What were those strips of pale pink meat with the white spots in
there? I had not let such a sight touch my lips since around the age of
12, when I overdosed on Spam and started frying Oscar Mayer bologna in
Crisco.
I asked the chef to confirm my suspicions. She gave me a wry smile that
said, "So you were expecting prime rib?" She said it was Spam. I thought
I had died and went to politically incorrect hell.
It has nothing to do with religion or being on a macrobiotic diet. I
have certainly eaten - in moderation, of course - other trash meats.
It's just that for a quarter-centruy I could look at Spam on grocery
store shelves, turn up my nose and praise myself for being too cultured
to purchase such a low-class food.
But now the spell was broken. Two days later I stepped into a diner.
There were these delectable looking sushi rolls laid out on the checkout
counter.
It did not occur to me that something must be wrong. Normally, sushi and
its cousins are seaweed and sticky rice wrapped around or topped by raw
fish. There was no refrigerator in sight. It was 80 degrees. The rolls
had been lying there for several hours. But they looked sooo good. And
they were sooo cheap. A buck-fifty. Not having a clue what was inside, I
bought one.
My teeth cut through the seaweed and descended through the rice. Then I
hit the core. Spam again!
A few days later, we were at a Hawaiian brunch buffet. Guess what you
could have in scrambled eggs? Guess what appeared in fried rice? It was
not strips of prime rib. By now, we figured there must be a history to
Spam on Hawaii.
Spam was prime meat for soldiers and civilians in Hawaii in World War
II. After the war, Spam remained popular because of the high cost of
fresh meat on the islands. Hawaii is the leading per-capita consumer of
Spam in the US. The Hawaii Spam Cookbook says Spam is "Hawaii's soul
food."
Maili Yardley, a long-time food columnist on Kauai, read to me some of
the recipes out of the Spam cookbook. There were recipes for Spam in
omelettes and in cole slaw, and for roasting it, pig-style, in a
charcoal pit. You can make Spam and beans, Spam and eggplant, Spam and
popping peas, Spam and Spam fried rice, and Spam and Japanese radish
fermented in a syrupy sauce.
There was Spam Quiche. Yardley has eaten it. Even though the combination
of eggs, cheese and Spam sounds like a heart surgeons' delight, Yardley
said, "It's delicious."
There was also Sweet and Sour Tofu and Spam. This must be blasphemous to
the organic brown rice crowd. "We use Spam for everything, even as a
substitute for a tuna fish sandwich," Yardley said. "Have you put Spam
with orange cheese and toast in the broiler? Or with cream sauce and
macaroni?"
"You should see the supermarket when Spam is on special," Yardley said.
"Housewives fill up their shopping carts with it."
I left Hawaii before the Spam special. Having had this unexpected
debauch, I am quite ready to go another quarter-century without a single
bite of the stuff. But I dared not say that out loud in Hawaii. When I
discussed Spam with the caretaker of our campground in Kauai, his eyes
lit up.
They were the kind of eyes you would expect for prime rib.
Spam Fried Won Ton
One can of Spam, crumble with hands until it's all mushy and easy to mold.
Won ton wrappers. One can, or one cup of fresh water chestnuts, chopped.
Mix together the spam and water chestnuts, make those little won ton dumplings,
and fry until golden brown. I made this for a couple of guys that were
in the military, and they still couldn't believe it was Spam! Amazing what
a little creative packaging does, huh??
(C) 1996,
MadDog, Ummmm.... Something about Spam?
Back
to the DogHouse....